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Jewish Wisdom for Growing Older: Finding Your Grit and Grace Beyond Midlife
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Growing Older Can Be a Time of Growing in Depth and Wisdom
Whether you are fifty-five or seventy-five, approaching retirement or age one hundred, growing older brings remarkable opportunities but often also wrenching difficulties. Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman, a pioneer in reinventing and revaluing aging, mines ancient Jewish wisdom for values, tools and precedents to frame new callings and beginnings, shifting family roles, and experiences of illness and death.
For seekers of all faiths, for individuals and groups, for personal use and caregiving settings, Rabbi Friedman offers inspiration and guidance to help you make greater meaning and flourish amid the daunting challenges of aging.
Product details
Paperback: 176 pages
Publisher: Jewish Lights Publishing; 1 edition (March 13, 2015)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 158023819X
ISBN-13: 978-1580238199
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.4 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.9 out of 5 stars
14 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#406,428 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
JEWISH WISDOM for GROWING OLDER:Finding Your Grit and Grace Beyond Midlifeby Rabbi Dayle Friedman2015 Jewish Lights PublishingThe challenge of aging isn’t to stay young; it’s not only to grow old, but to grow whole—to come into your own.— Connie GoldmanThe Connie Goldman quote at the beginning of the book sets the tone for the whole book. A number of years ago I heard an interview on NPR where a man had written a memoir of his life with his father. The title was based on his father’s favorite saying: “Might As Well Be A Mensch†(Yiddish for “"a person of integrity and honor.â€) The memory of his father’s use of this phrase shaped the choices the boy made throughout his life (It is what I want as my epitaph). Jewish Wisdom lays out a long pilgrimage that includes stories, biblical interpretation, anecdotes, reflections, and exercises. As a Gentile / Goy / Christian (take your pick) I’m going to hear some words with which I’m not familiar, be introduced to some rabbinic stories, along with a few new biblical interpretations that challenged my perspective; but all of which are about the human relationship with self, others and God.The book is divided into three parts. The overriding metaphor through which Jewish wisdom is revealed arises from a rabbinic story of creation: “God had intended to fill the world with the divine light, but the world could not endure this intense and overwhelming splendor. God contracted the divine presence in order to make room for the world, but in a devastating cosmic accident, the vessels intended to hold God’s light shattered. The light that was abundant and omnipresent was suddenly hidden and dispersed—encased in shards (heliport) of the vessels that had been meant to contain it. So now the Divine is limited and concealed in a world of darkness†(x-xi). This is an important book because it asks the hard questions. The first section involves many of the ways we too are broken by life. Each chapter reminds us that every loss offers a choice regarding our response. We look at:AgeismLoss of Loved OnesDeath - Our Own MortalityDiminishment of Our BodiesCaring for Those We Love As They Become FragileDementia There is absolutely no denial of the pain. Each chapter contains questions for reflection, so it offers forewarning that this brokenness will be part of your life and for those who are already experiencing their own diminishment, death preparation, chaos, and evil it offers perspective, communion, and hope. With God there is always something more. With community there is always someone who has already been there. With Faith and Love there is always Hope. The way through has something to do with finding the fragments of life that are hidden throughout creation.Section Two of the book is about our learning to gather light. But I like how Rabbi Dayle puts it; “Beginning Again (and Again). Most people seldom face reality, we have instead be taught to live our expectations (which may in fact be someone else’s expectations). The joke around the 12 Step Community is that DeNile is not just a river in Egypt. Sometimes it takes crashing into a reality that is greater than our denial that allow us to discover reality. We discover not only that what we experience outside of ourselves is not real, we also discover that there is much on the inside that needs to be reexamined. Almost every wisdom tradition I’m aware of includes the need to wrap up unfinished business. There are now numerous books regarding forgiveness as one of the major tasks that need to be addressed to achieve satisfaction or wellbeing in later life. The revelation at times comes with the saying that, “holding onto resentments is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.†Forgiveness is really a matter of self care. The unexpected piece is that forgiveness may carry an element of grief; we again have to let go of that which cannot be and accept the present possibilities. The rest of this section is about preparing for and accepting inevitable diminishment (and death), encouraging us to watch for and choose paths that deepen our relationship to the divine. Again the book places before us choices that challenge the sacred cows of our culture. Mindfulness becomes the new mantra for this time of life. I would say that the last section of the book is to gather all the fragments of light that we have discovered, integrate it into our life and offer it back as our tribute to life. There are the young gifts that we have to offer that are half developed but full of vigor, but then there are the mature gifts that have grown through the “grit and grace beyond midlife†Through grace we grow older; growing wiser takes grace and grit. For the light to become integrated into our life requires our learning to step back and make room. Two more pieces makes this book well worth the cost, time and energy to purchase and read:In the appendix there is a guide for Book Groups and Wisdom Circles. One of the best ways to combat Ageism in our worshipping communities is the establishment of wisdom circles, particularly intergenerational wisdom circles. This book gives clear instructions.Each chapter concludes with a blessing. I believe that there is power in blessing, particularly if we let the words wash over us and its intention are heard not only by the divine but by our own brain and heart. These blessing are offered for us.May you fulfill the promise of your minutes, hour, and days. May you grow in patience. May you stretch to discover new ways to spend and treasure time, as the Psalmist teaches, “Teach us to count our days rightly, that we may obtain a wise heart.â€(Psalm 90:12) p.109.

For the baby boomer generation who has changed every life stage as we've passed through - fomenting a sexual revolution, reclaiming our bodies (Hello, Our Bodies Our Selves), demanding less medicalized childbirths, doing yoga, running marathons, et al - now we are getting old. Fortunately Rabbi Dayle Friedman is there to help us get used to the idea, and give us support in facing limitations and finding spiritual expansiveness. I think this is an excellent book not just for us old people, who are taking care of even OLDER people, but our children. Baby boomers and our kids are much closer, in many ways, than most of us were to our parents, and our soon-to-be middle-aged kids will be happy to avail themselves of Friedman's description and insights, too.
As a rabbi, Dayle Friedman is familiar with spiritual perspectives on aging; as a counselor and teacher to counselors, she has decades of experience of working with thousands of people who are aging, and with their care-givers. She has found a way of bringing together the two perspectives of physical and spiritual reality and she shares them in this book. She does not flinch from the realities and hardships of failing bodies and minds, and yet she reminds us that there is always the possibility of finding learning and wisdom through the pain; of finding reasons for gratitude; and of finding service to others through sharing knowledge of experiences that ultimately we all will have. She knows of what she speaks and she speaks with a deep sense of compassion and caring.
I gave this book with great pleasure to my 90 year old dad who, despite a skepticism about "spirituality," read it from cover to cover and was deeply moved. The book sparked a wonderful conversation between us across the generations! My dad was particularly impressed by the decades of professional and personal experience that stand behind Rabbi Friedman's words. He appreciated that her vision of aging was neither all doom and gloom nor overly sugar coated. This is a book that takes old age as a part of life like any other-- with its unique challenges and also its' rewards. I strongly recommend you buy this book for yourself and give it to loved ones as well!
Superlatives for Rabbi Friedman's Jewish Wisdom, justly earned. As one "growing older" (though neither a rabbi nor a healer), I thank her for the stories and words from sages both ancient and modern, her advice, reminders, exercises, and prayers that cause we, the readers, inexorably to say, Modeh Ani L'fanecha/ or in my words, thank you for renewing my soul today.- Donald K. Joseph, retired from 14 years as a visiting professor at Rutgers Law School - Camden specializing in legal ethics.
I have recommended and given this book to many friends, most of whom are not Jewish. It is a book to be savored by anyone looking for a path to centering life meaningfully. Rabbi Friedman honestly addresses the paradoxes of aging (e.g., how we can feel whole when our bodies are breaking down). At the end of the book, her reflections on finding purpose in life and on practicing blessings offer guidance to people just beginning the journey of adulthood as well as those coming to the end of the journey.
I met Rabbi Dayle Friedman at Chautauqua. She gave a talk on dementia & it touched my heart. I ordered her book to learnmore of her Wisdom. I will use it in my personal & professional life.
I will be rereading this book and reflecting on the wise suggestions.
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